WINNER: Best Cat Funeral

Went to the bookstore the other day and wouldn'tcha know it, but this caught my eye:

It's Thomasina!!! THE BOOK!!!  Understand that while I was recovering from kidney surgery at the wee age of six, I was FREAKING OBSESSED with the movie version, which came out in 1964 and my parents for some reason had a VHS copy of.  I would lie there, pretty much bedridden, and watch this shit OVER AND OVER again, occasionally switching it out for The Last Unicorn or Flower Drum Song.  The book is much more grown up and sinister than the movie, but as I read it I have been reminded of how fucking weird and surreal the movie was, so light one up and watch these clips if you truly want to know WHAT CAT HEAVEN IZ LIKE.  DISCLAIMER:  IT INVOLVES AN ANCIENT EGYPTIAN FELINE CULT AND CHILDREN PLAYING BAGPIPES....watch it if you dare!!!!

Fun, Romance, and Healthy Gums

I know, I KNOW--I let you all down just when things started to get steamy on The Bachelor.  And doubtless, you have also sorely missed my hard-hitting journalism about baby workers and Puppy Bowl. I can explain!  See, law school got tough and my internet situation was all fucked up for a while.  But I know how important my musings on reality trash are to us all, so, for the sake of MONOPARTY, I have gotten a reliable internet connection and dropped out of law school.  You can expect to be seeing a lot more of me ladies and gents!  (by that I mean that I am also launching a soft-core webcam site...)

Anywho, we all know by now that Brad Womack did what everyone expected and picked sweet, blonde Emily, the single mammy with a tragic backstory that provided endless possibilities for the emotionally insensitive producers that made her go on several traumatic dates.  OLD NEWZ!!!!  No one cares, Brad and Emily, because the newest Bachelorette has been revealed!!!  Click through to find out who the lucky lady is!!!!

The Bachelor, Week 5: "Two Girls One Cu......ROSE"

Alright kids, I know I'm about a week late with this one, but I don't think anyone who reads this blog actually watches the Bachelor anyway and the internet I had been stealing has been pretty much non-existent for the last week or so. I downloaded the last two episodes on iTunes, but apparently they don't let you take screenshots of something that you just paid $2 an episode for. FUCK YOU ITUNES!!! I decided to suck it up and call Comcast to come bring me some internets, so expect a post on this week's actual episode sometime Friday night after the Comcast guy installs all my internets. Without further ado...

Pack your bags and a couple of sequined tops that tastefully reveal a little cleavage ladies because this week The Bachelor is heading to Vegas! Can you feel the excitement? Well I can because it is about as tangible as a punch in the labia! Will Brad drunkenly lose his massive bartending fortune on a single craps game? Will Michelle get so pissed at the other ladies that she says fuck it all and runs off to join a cathouse? Will the two Ashleys devise a daring casino heist using only dental tools, cocktail rings, and a combined IQ of 180 (also a combined weight of 180)? Well gosh golly let's dive in and find out!

First and foremost though, let us briefly pause and check out what hunky ol' Chris Harrison was wearing this week:

Eat your heart out Jeff Probst because hot damn, yes, THOSE ARE ROLL-UP CONTRAST FASHION CUFFS! Chris may be a big picture man with dreamy eyes and a sensitive soul, but he is also a man that knows better than to neglect the details.

Genuine Ken, Episodes 1 & 2: "Color Me KEN-fused"

WARNING: Even a few seconds of exposure to this show can cause serious brain damage, especially in people.

If you thought you'd seen the worst of the worst in reality programming years ago, when Temptation Island still crowded the airwaves, think again!  May I present for your consideration, GENUINE KEN: The Search for the Great American Boyfriend?

Now, I'm not exactly clear on what the point of this show is, because at no time in the first two episodes did they ever mention any sort of prize awaiting the ultimate winner.  In fact, everything about this show makes me think that they had a budget of about $10,000 for the entire season.  First, there's the limited number of contestants:

One of these eight guys is supposed to earn the title of "Genuine Ken, the Great American Boyfriend."  Since there doesn't seem to be any sort of prize involved, I can only assume that these men are competing just for the honor that comes with such a title.  Because what straight twenty-something year old guy isn't into plastic fashion dolls?!  The other fishy thing about this show is that aside from their names and hometowns, none of the guys have professions attached to them, which makes me think that they are all aspiring actors whose agents managed to get them on this show for mere peanuts.  

The Bachelor, Week 4: "X-TREME Face Suckage"

Oh, the things that happened this week on the Bachelor! Not only were there TWO dates involving helicopters, but there was also a whole lotta tonsil hockey, some roses, and enough tears to quench the thirst of a thousand desert nomads!

But, be still my beating heart, for there was one moment in particular that contained so much raw sexuality, such visceral masculinity, and such tantalizing appeal that nary a dry lady panty was to be seen this week! Ladies of America, listen up! I just don't know if you're ready to handle this screen capture, but I'm gonna put it out there anyway. I warn you, this kind of potent masturbatory fodder is not for the faint of heart....In fact, it's so steamy that discretion requires I put it after the jump....

MONO UPDATE

So I am pretty much feeling a lot better and not sleeping for 16 hours a day anymore (yay!).  However, for the purposes of this blog, I vow to continue to have mono indefinitely.

More than You Could Ever Possibly Want to Know About Puppy Bowl VII

Every January, right when my seasonal affective disorder is just about to peak with a good three days of not leaving the house and eating exclusively ramen noodles in between episodes of sobbing in the bathtub, something miraculous happens! What is this miraculous happening, you ask? Well cool your goshdarn jets, Jetboys and Jetgirls because I am about to tell you!

It's because every January the MUTHERFUCKING PUPPY BOWL STARTING LINEUP is announced!!! Do you understand how much cuteness we are talking about here? A SHIT TON of cuteness, that's how much! And by the looks of it, this year's puppies are no exception!

There are so many questions we have to ask ourselves!  Will there be another blimp piloted by hamsters this year?  Will any of the puppies be disqualified for steroid use and/or blood doping?  And more importantly, where can I find nudie pics of the rabbit cheerleaders?  I don't know the answers to any of those things, but let me tell you what I do know!

PHOTOZ of all the puppies, my PLAYER-BY-PLAYER GAME DAY PROJECTIONS, talk of the oft-overlooked KITTEH HALF TIME SHOW, and SO MUCH MORE after the jump!

The Bachelor, Week 3: "It's My Daddy Issue and I'll Cry If I Want To"

OH MY GAWD! So I don't really know what the vapors are, but this week's episode made me feel like I was definitely going to catch them, because let me just tell you, it was RIVETING. This is the stuff that EMMYS are made out of, people!

I know, I know, things started off slow with a great big dollop of ADULT CONTEMPORARY ONE-ON-ONE DATING. Brad took Ashley, who looks like she is about 16 at all times to Capitol Records, where they recorded their own glass-shattering version of Seal's “Kiss by a Rose” or whatever it's called. You know? The one about necrophilia roses and graves and kissing things! But that's not all they did! No, sir! Seal actually performed it for them! It was so exciting that I got up and made some egg salad and wondered if Heidi Klum ever gets sick of hearing that song since it's basically been his one and only hit for about fifteen years now. But Seal is okay by Ashley because that is her FAVORITE SONG EVER because it reminds her of her dad who died! And you know how Brad feels about ladies with daddy issues—they are AWESOME and they automatically get roses! I won't even bore you with a picture of this date—that's how boring it was.

Thank god the next date was more ACTION PACKED! Because not only did Brad get into a crazy street brawl with a bunch of Mexicans...

Baby Workers

So all of this hoopla over the newest fad parenting book (you can read all about it here; it's called "Tiger Mommies" or something dumb like that) got me thinking about what I would do if I had a baby.  Obviously, if I was gonna have a baby, my first reaction would be to grab a coat hanger and get to work.  But let's just say for the sake of argument that I was out of coat hangers that day and I was tasked with having to figure out my personal parenting philosophy.  Well, this Amy Chua lady wrote this book to share her experiences growing up with a strict traditional Chinese mother, who I guess was sort of like the mom in Black Swan except with piano instead of ballet.  I think her point is like, "Hey, look at me, I went to Harvard and shit and now I teach at Yale, so my mammy musta done something right."  Anyway, I agree with this parenting strategy in as much as moms should totally be pushy bitches to their kids, but I think this lady's book probably doesn't go far enough (wouldn't know; didn't read it; not planning to read it).  Effective parenting should start early and take advantage of the character-building effects of hard work.  What I'm getting at here is that babies should join the workforce.  See, look how much more useful potentially successful in life this baby looks...

than, say, this baby...

This baby needs to get off her ass and stop fucking around.  I don't care that you haven't learned how to control your own bowel movements yet--GET A JOB LOSER!

The Bachelor, Week 2: "The Wrong Side of 30"

Alright I'm just gonna dive right in to this one because we have a lot to cover!

We kicked things off this week by seeing two very different sides of Brad. First, we got to see the Brad that every woman in America is familiar with and is gradually learning to trust again; the all American, blond haired, blue eyed hunk whose very silhouette is a guaranteed panty-dropper:

Yup, he totally has the pigskin in hand and everything! And he's ready to score a touchdown with your hearts, ladies!

Or is he? Just when you thought it was okay to start trusting Mr. Womack again and stop sending ABC angry emails about how they shouldn't have given him a second chance, a very funny thing happens...You see, Brad's first date of the night is with Ashley H., a nice dentist with a very small waistline and a very big forehead. So naturally, Brad's first move is to drive her to a secluded location in the middle of the woods at night...  

HOLY BANANA BREAD! Remembering Jared of Kid Nation

Anyone who has spent any time around me at all has at some point been pressured by me to watch the greatest reality television show to ever grace the airwaves, Kid Nation. Back in the heady days of the early 2000s, some genius at CBS had a great idea for a new reality show: take 40 kids from across the country, ages 7 to 15, bus them out to a fake ghost town outside of Santa Fe, and force them to band together to build a town without adult supervision. And with that, Kid Nation was born! After a slew of bad publicity about silly things like “child exploitation” and a nasty lawsuit from a participant who got an oil burn on her face, the show was abandoned after only one glorious season. BUT IT WILL LIVE IN MY HEART FOREVER, the lone blooming flower amongst the decaying weeds that largely populate it. And as far as I know, you can watch it too! Some benevolent soul has posted all the episodes on Youtube for your viewing pleasure. GO! WATCH! If you don't absolutely love it then I will personally show up at your home and bonk you on the noggin' for being a total idiot!

There are so many wonderful things about Kid Nation that I couldn't possibly do the show justice in just one post. Instead, I would like to turn our attention to the unsung hero of Bonanza City, and the best reality show participant in the history of reality shows, 11 year old Jared Goldman.

DEEP THOUGHTS about Jersey Shore

Alright, so I realize I am a little late to the party on this one, but I only just finished watching the first season of Jersey Shore after a two day marathon. I remember trying to watch the first episode when it originally aired but I just wasn't feelin' it and switched the channel after maybe ten minutes. Boy howdy was I wrong about that one! For the last two days I have been fucking SPELLBOUND by the deplorable/totally loveable antics of these overly-tan knuckleheads. I know you are probably sick to death of hearing about them, but watching season one inspired some DEEP THOUGHTS to pop out of my mind vagina like adorable Snooki-shaped idea babies. So hot damn if I am not gonna talk about it because I get DEEP THOUGHTS about as often as that comet all those people offed themselves for comes!

One of the bathroom stalls at the bar where Snooki got punched.

The Most Awesome Critter in the History of Ever

So I know that I said in my first post that like, “books are fuckin dumb!” And they totally are. But hear me out on this one. Okay, so yes, technically this is a book, but technically it is also AWESOME because it is full of pictures of AWESOME CRITTERS. There is text and stuff in it too, but do you think I actually sat down and read that? Hell no! I don't think I need to struggle with full sentences, let alone full words to understand that the critters in this book are AWESOME and they are mostly there for me to look at them NOT actually learn about them. Le duh! It's like the same reason nobody actually READS Playboy.

Just to give you a little taste of how AWESOME some of these critters are, consider these little dudes!

They are FUCKIN AWESOME ammiright? They are like some sort of howler monkey type animal that has a vagina flower headdress attached to it! This is the kind of shit Georgia O'Keefe probably had nightmares about! And it looks like they kind of both want to eat that giant moth really bad and are maybe seconds away from having a down n' dirty vagina howler monkey brawl over it! AWESOME!!!

Anyway, there's a bunch more critters after the jump, including THE MOST AWESOME CRITTER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. You will tell your grandkids to tell their grandkids about this critter because that's how insanely AWESOME it is.

The Bachelor, Week 1: "Brad Womak, Jilter of Women"

I never thought I'd get into the whole Bachelor/Bachelorette reality TV franchise, but last season, intrigued by the idle water cooler prattle of ladies at the office, I tuned into an episode of Ali's season of The Bachelorette and I was hooked faster than you can say “here for the right reasons.” As a relative newcomer to the series, I had no idea who this douchebag is, other than a vague notion that every woman ever in America hates him and he is evil:

Meet Brad Womack. He's a tough guy; a hardbody who breaks hearts with every flex of his glorious pectorals. And he is no stranger to The Bachelor. He was that dude a couple seasons ago who left not one, but two beautiful ladies jilted at the....podium(?) But don't worry! He's a changed man! He has figured out what feelings are and how to have them! He is such a softie now that he will even put a pink tulle thing on his head when there are little girls around!

Inaugural Post

I am starting this blog because I have mono and laying in bed for 14 hours a day is starting to get real old real fast. So why not make it a party?! A MONOPARTY!!!

Spending this much time in bed has so far meant three things: crippling social isolation/boredom, a hecka sore neck, and watching lots of really dumb TV and movies. Don't worry though, other than this whiny inaugural post, I will spend less time talking about the first two things and the bulk of my time talking about all the mind-numbingly stupid things I watch.

If there's one good thing you could say about mono though, it's “holy crap I am losing more weight than an Olsen twin!” Before getting this virus, I didn't realize why people with mono lost weight. I thought it was because you're just SO TIRED and just SO NOT HUNGRY and life is just SO TOUGH and boo fuckin' hoo. What I didn't realize is that it actually has more to do with the fact that the back of your throat feels like it is covered in GODDAMNED RAZORBLADES every time you try to swallow your own saliva.

Another thing about mono is that you smell bad. Like really, really, rotting vegetables and B.O. kind of bad. I've been taking two baths a day, not moving around at all lest I fall asleep or rupture my precious spleen, and low and behold, I still smell like a pair of funky gym drawers.

Also my cat will sit there and lick the same spot on my face for a solid twenty minutes before I can summon the energy to fight her off. It's annoying!

Thus, my only solace is shitty, shitty reality television and whatever movies are available on Netflix instant view. I know what you're saying, “why not read a book?” Well I'll tell you why not. Coz books are fucking dumb! I been there, done that, got the useless Baccalaureate degree in literature, and lemme tell you, there is no way my sick ass is gonna sit through 500 pages of The Tenant of Wildfell Hall only to discover that yes!, her evil husband dies and she can finally marry that younger hotter dude who doesn't really seem like that much better of a guy when you really think about it! And I am most certainly not gonna lay here spellbound by some William Faulkner, being all like “Damn if these Compson brothers didn't have me at 'pioneering stream-of-consciousness narrative style!'” Nope--I need the instant gratification that comes with watching an hour and a half of The Biggest Loser. Also rumor has it a new season of Bad Girls Club is starting in a few days. Fuck yeah!

But anywayz, since I am basically a social leper right now, I have had no one to share my heartfelt reality TV and shitty movie related insights with. Thus, a blog is born.