DEEP THOUGHTS about Jersey Shore

Alright, so I realize I am a little late to the party on this one, but I only just finished watching the first season of Jersey Shore after a two day marathon. I remember trying to watch the first episode when it originally aired but I just wasn't feelin' it and switched the channel after maybe ten minutes. Boy howdy was I wrong about that one! For the last two days I have been fucking SPELLBOUND by the deplorable/totally loveable antics of these overly-tan knuckleheads. I know you are probably sick to death of hearing about them, but watching season one inspired some DEEP THOUGHTS to pop out of my mind vagina like adorable Snooki-shaped idea babies. So hot damn if I am not gonna talk about it because I get DEEP THOUGHTS about as often as that comet all those people offed themselves for comes!

One of the bathroom stalls at the bar where Snooki got punched.

Sammi & Ronnie

You might say that Mike “The Situation” is the villain of the season. You are absolutely right, dude is a total scumbag and I will get to that in a sec, but wait! He is not the only one! Because Sammi “Sweetheart” is actually anything but sweet! This girl should teach seminars at the Emotional Immaturity College because she is a goddamn mastermind at this shit! Manipulation 101, The Art of Clinging, Advanced Bitchiness, and a special mini-semester of Making Yourself Out to Be the Victim When You Are in Fact the Instigator. Ok, so that last one doesn't really sound like a course title, but it basically describes how she behaves whenever she and Ronnie have a fight about something. Normally I would find it entertaining that in one episode she was talkin' way too much shit and made things escalate to the point where Ronnie had to fight a dude, then she acted like Ronnie was the bad guy because he “traumatized” her by pushing her to try to get her to stop talking shit so fighting wouldn't be necessary in the first place. I would find it entertaining not because I think violence against women is okay in any form, but because her being a total basket case makes for good TV. But what really pains me is that Ronnie seems like a pretty decent guy and I hate seeing him get jerked around like that. He could do a lot better, but Sammi has him wound around her little finger tighter than a yo-yo made out of free mani-pedis. By the end of their arguments, he is always the one apologizing, when nine times out of ten she is the douchebag. God love him, Ronnie isn't exactly MENSA material, so it can't really be that challenging to keep him eating out of her hand like that. Anyway, that's my two cents about Sammi and Ronnie.

Mike aka “The Situation”

Okay so this guy just basically sucks in every way imaginable. Especially since he reminds me of this horrible roommate I had in college and every time Mike says something blatantly sexist and insensitive I have flashbacks and get the urge to do horribly dark violent unspeakable things in retaliation. But I got hooked up with some Percoset, so these feelings can be lulled into submission pretty easily, thank god, because I mean, FEELINGS, who needs 'em amirite? Anyway, the situation is that this dude probably should have been cast on Tool Academy rather than Jersey Shore, but MTV thought better of it and realized the shore needed a good old fashioned villain.

Vinny

Yeah so I sort of have a crush on Vinny. He is the only one of the guys on the show who actually has semi-decent taste in women, he hates Mike as much as I do, and he doesn't do that whole “gym, tan, laundry” thing because he realizes that it is kind of weird for ostensibly straight men in their twenties to get THAT excited about going tanning and having clean laundry. Sometimes his eyebrows look weird though.

Pauly D

I want to like Pauly D, but I ended up just feeling kind of ambivalent about him. At first I thought I would never understand his hair, and while I still have many unanswered questions about it (how much weight can it support? does it have its own tiny autonomous brain? is it actually bulletproof?), I understand it perfectly well. It's a GIMMICK people! Sure, Pauly D is your average fun-loving guido and homeboy always has a positive outlook on everything, but he is kind of boring! I know what you're saying, “What?!!! His hair is OUTRAGEOUS! Thus, he is OUTRAGEOUS!” Sorry. Nope. He's just vaguely amusing and endearingly earnest in his enthusiasm for the guido lifestyle. Dude couldn't be OUTRAGEOUS if he tried. He is like those people who wear piano ties or show up to the Oscars in a swan dress.

Snooki

I know she is way overexposed right now and one week ago I would have never thought I'd say it but OH MAN I FUCKING LOVE SNOOKI. She is just so her, ya know! And that episode where she cried because she loves her mom so much—OH MY GOD I TEARED UP A LITTLE TOO! And I don't even like my mom! I want a Snooki to take with me wherever I go, like a My Size Barbie but actually alive and stuff! I'd feed it and walk it and clean up after it I promise!!! Seriously though, she is already pretty tiny--couldn't we just shrink her down a little bit more so she'd fit in my purse and entertain me by dancing and exposing her underwear and eating miniature pickles during my most boring classes? Can someone bottle her? I know she is trying to do the whole creating a personal brand thing right now, so somebody really needs to suggest these things to her because I need a Snooki in my life ASAP!

Jwoww

As much as I love Snooki, which is A WHOLE LOT, I love Jwoww even more. This broad doesn't take shit from nobody and she always has her girls' backs. She also wears the most awesome ensembles ever. If it has a fashion chain, comes pre-ripped, and/or has cut-outs, you can bet Jwoww has one in every color. Basically, all I can hope is that when I go to sleep tonight I have dreams where I get to hang out with Snooki and Jwoww like we are all BFFs having a crazy night on the boardwalk.