I never thought I'd get into the whole Bachelor/Bachelorette reality TV franchise, but last season, intrigued by the idle water cooler prattle of ladies at the office, I tuned into an episode of Ali's season of The Bachelorette and I was hooked faster than you can say “here for the right reasons.” As a relative newcomer to the series, I had no idea who this douchebag is, other than a vague notion that every woman ever in America hates him and he is evil:
Meet Brad Womack. He's a tough guy; a hardbody who breaks hearts with every flex of his glorious pectorals. And he is no stranger to The Bachelor. He was that dude a couple seasons ago who left not one, but two beautiful ladies jilted at the....podium(?) But don't worry! He's a changed man! He has figured out what feelings are and how to have them! He is such a softie now that he will even put a pink tulle thing on his head when there are little girls around!
But don't take it from me! In case you had any lingering doubts about Brad's transformation from callous commitment-phobe into marriageable bachelor, let Thomas Parker, PhD set you straight! That's right, even Brad's therapist thinks he's a changed man! He took time out of his busy day listening to middle aged ladies complain about their fat dumb husbands just to come on the show and let America know that fuck yes! After three long years of addressing his daddy issues, Brad is totes ready to get fake engaged to one of thirty skinny attractive white ladies!
He has a PhD! A motherfuckin PhD! Dude knows what he is talking about, okay!
But the best thing about a new season of the Bachelor? More Chris Harrison! I'll admit, it took me a while to warm up to this guy. He's no Jeff Probst or Ryan Seacrest or what have you, but dude knows how to host a reality show like nobody's business. And he makes some wacky facial expressions:
Honestly sometimes I just want to start a blog dealing entirely with Chris Harrison's facial expressions:
But anyway, before Brad is allowed to meet his gaggle of eligible bachelorettes, he must be subjected to an awkward ten minute powwow with the two scorned ladies from his original season. I don't know if the producers were expecting some kind of bitter emotional bloodbath to break out as soon as Diana (DeAnna?) and Whatshername laid eyes on the villainous Brad Womak, jilter of women, crusher of marital dreams, destroyer of podium memories—but those ladies seemed like they really couldn't care less. Diana was like, slightly peeved, but as she and Chris Harrison kept pointing out, SHE'S MOVED ON OK? In fact, it seemed like those two really just came on the show for a chance to flaunt their engagement/wedding rings which sparkled majestically in the abundant candlelight as if to say, “I've moved on, Brad. In a big multi-carrot kind of way. How many months salary would that be, oh wayward man-boy of a bartender from Austin?”
Which brings me to another point—seriously how many fucking candles do they go through every episode? They're EVERYWHERE! Oh um and in case you missed that ring:
Anywayz, once Brad's moment of reckoning was over, he was finally allowed to stand outside the mansion as limo after limo of mostly disappointed women pulled up only to find that instead of fresh meat, their season of the Bachelor would simply be a do-over of a past season with none other than America's Most Hated Bachelor. As usual, most of these ladies seemed like perfectly nice, relatively well-educated middle-class white ladies, whose only flaws are the violently audible tickings of their biological clocks. Well, that and their shared belief that Eat, Pray, Love is the most inspiring book ever written. But worry not! There were some stand outs amongst all the mild-mannered drudgery and jewel-toned cocktail dresses.
Obviously the biggest shoe-in for final four or final three or however they do it, is sweet sweet Emily, a Southern Belle with a saccharine drawl and the sob story to end all sob stories. Basically Emily had been with her high school sweetheart since they were fifteen, he was a racecar driver and he died in a tragic plane crash on his way to some NASCAR-type event (they're from the SOUTH, ya'll), she found out a few days later that she was preggers, and now she is on the Bachelor after years of being a beautiful young single widow mommy. Oh and did I mention that she works at a children's hospital? And is a coal miner's daughter? Everyone else should probably just go home, coz Emily is gonna go very far in this thing:
But in case Emily is too wholesome and down-to-earth for Brad, there is always Madison:
Ummm yeah so those are FANGS...According to Madison, she's always had a vampire thing since she was a little girl, and a few years ago she met the leader of the vampire underground, which I guess means that now she is a legit vampiress or something. Brad seemed a little suspicious that maybe she wasn't THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, (which is so fucking obviously the case) but she assured him that she and her FANGS are totally ready to share the marital coffin with Brad!
Then there was the sad divorced cat lady who hates not being married SO MUCH:
Shortly after this shot was a few frames of her sitting forlornly next to a salad and a glass of water (half-empty) which she was too sad about not being married to partake of. She just sat there and looked at it and remembered how awesome being married is and how now that she is divorced her life is too sad for salad. But I can't find my screenshot of it, so whatevs.
Also check out this lady:
She is a Radio City Rockette and apparently this renders her incapable of walking like a normal human being. Instead, she does this weird deliberate prancing thing everywhere she goes. She has some weird name like Kelpy or Kelty or something. Oh, and then there was her entrance from the limo:
Can you say inappropro? I'm not sure if this means that I love her for her endearing wackiness or if it means I hate her for her annoying attention-seeking antics. He gave her a rose, so only time will tell.
Also, can we talk about RAICHEL THE MANSCAPER for a second. That's right, she spells it RAICHEL, and yup, her job is to wax dudes' “undercarriages,” as she likes to call them:
She is way passionate about her job! Raichel loves ripping the hair off of men's assholes so freakin' much, that she decided to share a little piece of that passion with Brad during their first sit-down conversation thingee:
Granted, it was only a small patch of hair on his wrist, but if some lady I just met showed up on our first date trying to pour hot wax on any part of me, I'd run far far away. But Brad must have been kind of into it, because Raichel is stickin' around for at least another week of hair-raisin' fun!
Quick sidenote—these shoes are possibly the fugliest things I have ever seen in my life:
Brad said he liked them, but girl, you know America's Most Hated Bachelor isn't gonna put his foot in his mouth by dissing your ugly ass shoes on national TV!
And last but not least, there's Michelle, who has worn one too many bridesmaid dresses in her day:
Her job is to always look vaguely pissed off at shit the other women do. I mean, the other GIRLS, because as Michelle will have you know, she is a WOMAN and she is NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES. And though she is definitely not the first person to ever say it on a reality show, she is definitely NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. My money is on this one to be the biggest bitch of the season. She seems HUNGRY for Brad, and she is a single mother who is a little bit older than some of the other ladies, so bringing home a new daddy for little Brielle or Brillo Pad or whatever the hell her daughter's name is has got to be priority number one in this woman's mind. And she does not look like the type of gal that is used to not getting her way.
All in all, this season looks like it has the potential for some entertaining episodes. The sneak peak for next week makes it look like one of the older blond ladies has some weird pre-menopausal hormonal surge and basically attacks Brad with kisses while he is shooting a weird telenovela-inspired PSA with two of the other ladies. I know what I'll be doing Monday night!
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