HOLY BANANA BREAD! Remembering Jared of Kid Nation

Anyone who has spent any time around me at all has at some point been pressured by me to watch the greatest reality television show to ever grace the airwaves, Kid Nation. Back in the heady days of the early 2000s, some genius at CBS had a great idea for a new reality show: take 40 kids from across the country, ages 7 to 15, bus them out to a fake ghost town outside of Santa Fe, and force them to band together to build a town without adult supervision. And with that, Kid Nation was born! After a slew of bad publicity about silly things like “child exploitation” and a nasty lawsuit from a participant who got an oil burn on her face, the show was abandoned after only one glorious season. BUT IT WILL LIVE IN MY HEART FOREVER, the lone blooming flower amongst the decaying weeds that largely populate it. And as far as I know, you can watch it too! Some benevolent soul has posted all the episodes on Youtube for your viewing pleasure. GO! WATCH! If you don't absolutely love it then I will personally show up at your home and bonk you on the noggin' for being a total idiot!

There are so many wonderful things about Kid Nation that I couldn't possibly do the show justice in just one post. Instead, I would like to turn our attention to the unsung hero of Bonanza City, and the best reality show participant in the history of reality shows, 11 year old Jared Goldman.

You see, Jared does things a little differently than your typical 11 year old. For one thing, dude loves him some Shakespeare. He memorizes that shit FOR FUN. He will also school your ass at some DDR:

HE IS THE MOTHERFUCKIN DANCEMAN!

But really, Jared's most notable moment on the show is when he decides to set up shop selling homemade jewelry on the rough n' tumble streets of Bonanza City. I know this clip is like, more than a minute or two long, but seriously the best part is what he does with all those buffalo nickels, so bear with me:

That's right! He buys a MOTHERFUCKIN PIMP OUTFIT! Also note the lollipop cane. Not only is Jared hella smart, he's got some ill style to back it up.

That girl trying to hawk her nasty canned apples on a stick is Divad, and she basically sucks a great big fat cock of awfulness. Divad tries to play everything off like she's so big-hearted and caring all the time, but really, everything she does is with an eye towards getting the storied GOLD STAR, a prize that one kid wins every few days that is WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD, LITERALLY (as the host says over and over to the point where it makes for a dangerous drinking game that is well worth playing). Each star is worth $20,000 dollars, and Divad wants one BAD. Big surprise, this self-righteous little diva never actually gets one, which is perhaps why she and her parents later sued the show about her burn that really didn't look all that serious.

At least Kelsey, the little Asian girl, puts up with her bullshit. Notice how Kelsey is quick to swoop in to dissuade Jared from competing with Divad. Also notice that pretty much everything that comes out of Kelsey's mouth is retarded. For example, “Bill Gates has so much money. He made Microsoft. Nobody complained about that.” Ummm yeah Kelsey, actually A LOT OF PEOPLE complained about that, so much so that the Department of Justice investigated that shit and found them in violation of antitrust laws. Duh.

But Jared isn't gonna stand around getting yelled at by a dumb Asian girl all day. Fuck no! Jared is gonna do something about it! You may think that Teresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey was the first reality show participant to flip a table on a bitch, but you'd be dead wrong. Jared has been flippin' tables on bitches for YEARS fool! Hasta la vista canned apples! Sayonara peach cobbler! Jared just flipped a table on your asses!

After a half-assed apology, Jared decides to go forth with his original plan of giving Divad a run for her money by opening up a rival shop. What does he call it? Why, “JARED'S CUSTOMS” of course! It sounds like one of those shops in Hispanic neighborhoods that sells rolly backpacks with Spongebob on them and off-brand cell phone accessories, but you know what? It works. I like it.

OK but by far the best part of this whole clip is once Jared has purchased his pimp outfit and he casually remarks to Migle (yeah that really is that girl's name, I know it's weird), “I loooooooove Bonanza City, don't you?” That shit gets me EVERY TIME. I know it's coming, but still, just WOW. I just fucking lose it over that shit.

I really have to thank my good friend Kate for turning me on to this show, because Jared and his cronies have provided me with hours and hours of entertainment.  If ever there was a show that stands up after repeat viewings, it's this one.  As Kate astutely pointed out, Kid Nation seems to revive that early 90s Nickelodean Channel era of KID POWER, where the theme was always how adults are too stupid to do anything right and kids will someday rule the world.  One nation under KID NATION forevs man!