Fun, Romance, and Healthy Gums

I know, I KNOW--I let you all down just when things started to get steamy on The Bachelor.  And doubtless, you have also sorely missed my hard-hitting journalism about baby workers and Puppy Bowl. I can explain!  See, law school got tough and my internet situation was all fucked up for a while.  But I know how important my musings on reality trash are to us all, so, for the sake of MONOPARTY, I have gotten a reliable internet connection and dropped out of law school.  You can expect to be seeing a lot more of me ladies and gents!  (by that I mean that I am also launching a soft-core webcam site...)

Anywho, we all know by now that Brad Womack did what everyone expected and picked sweet, blonde Emily, the single mammy with a tragic backstory that provided endless possibilities for the emotionally insensitive producers that made her go on several traumatic dates.  OLD NEWZ!!!!  No one cares, Brad and Emily, because the newest Bachelorette has been revealed!!!  Click through to find out who the lucky lady is!!!!

The Bachelor, Week 3: "It's My Daddy Issue and I'll Cry If I Want To"

OH MY GAWD! So I don't really know what the vapors are, but this week's episode made me feel like I was definitely going to catch them, because let me just tell you, it was RIVETING. This is the stuff that EMMYS are made out of, people!

I know, I know, things started off slow with a great big dollop of ADULT CONTEMPORARY ONE-ON-ONE DATING. Brad took Ashley, who looks like she is about 16 at all times to Capitol Records, where they recorded their own glass-shattering version of Seal's “Kiss by a Rose” or whatever it's called. You know? The one about necrophilia roses and graves and kissing things! But that's not all they did! No, sir! Seal actually performed it for them! It was so exciting that I got up and made some egg salad and wondered if Heidi Klum ever gets sick of hearing that song since it's basically been his one and only hit for about fifteen years now. But Seal is okay by Ashley because that is her FAVORITE SONG EVER because it reminds her of her dad who died! And you know how Brad feels about ladies with daddy issues—they are AWESOME and they automatically get roses! I won't even bore you with a picture of this date—that's how boring it was.

Thank god the next date was more ACTION PACKED! Because not only did Brad get into a crazy street brawl with a bunch of Mexicans...

The Bachelor, Week 2: "The Wrong Side of 30"

Alright I'm just gonna dive right in to this one because we have a lot to cover!

We kicked things off this week by seeing two very different sides of Brad. First, we got to see the Brad that every woman in America is familiar with and is gradually learning to trust again; the all American, blond haired, blue eyed hunk whose very silhouette is a guaranteed panty-dropper:

Yup, he totally has the pigskin in hand and everything! And he's ready to score a touchdown with your hearts, ladies!

Or is he? Just when you thought it was okay to start trusting Mr. Womack again and stop sending ABC angry emails about how they shouldn't have given him a second chance, a very funny thing happens...You see, Brad's first date of the night is with Ashley H., a nice dentist with a very small waistline and a very big forehead. So naturally, Brad's first move is to drive her to a secluded location in the middle of the woods at night...  

The Bachelor, Week 1: "Brad Womak, Jilter of Women"

I never thought I'd get into the whole Bachelor/Bachelorette reality TV franchise, but last season, intrigued by the idle water cooler prattle of ladies at the office, I tuned into an episode of Ali's season of The Bachelorette and I was hooked faster than you can say “here for the right reasons.” As a relative newcomer to the series, I had no idea who this douchebag is, other than a vague notion that every woman ever in America hates him and he is evil:

Meet Brad Womack. He's a tough guy; a hardbody who breaks hearts with every flex of his glorious pectorals. And he is no stranger to The Bachelor. He was that dude a couple seasons ago who left not one, but two beautiful ladies jilted at the....podium(?) But don't worry! He's a changed man! He has figured out what feelings are and how to have them! He is such a softie now that he will even put a pink tulle thing on his head when there are little girls around!