Oh, the things that happened this week on the Bachelor! Not only were there TWO dates involving helicopters, but there was also a whole lotta tonsil hockey, some roses, and enough tears to quench the thirst of a thousand desert nomads!
But, be still my beating heart, for there was one moment in particular that contained so much raw sexuality, such visceral masculinity, and such tantalizing appeal that nary a dry lady panty was to be seen this week! Ladies of America, listen up! I just don't know if you're ready to handle this screen capture, but I'm gonna put it out there anyway. I warn you, this kind of potent masturbatory fodder is not for the faint of heart....In fact, it's so steamy that discretion requires I put it after the jump....
World's Sexiest Reality TV Show Host, 2011
That's right, ladies! Chris Harrison wore a sexy gray cardigan this week over his smart toned-down plaid shirt AND made that irresistible hand gesture. Can you say DREAMY? Because I know what I'll be rubbing one out to before I fall asleep tonight! And if that alone isn't enough to get things going for you, ladies, RUN DON'T WALK to your dresser drawer and fire up the old vibrator because there is another hunk in our midst:
You can tend my bar any time, Brad Womack!
Ok, but don't go anywhere just yet, because there is BREAKING MICHELLE-RELATED NEWZ!
SHE HAS A BLACK EYE!!! How did she get it? Did one of the other ladies finally get so sick of all of Michelle's facial expressions that she socked her in the face? Did Brad decide to teach her a lesson off-camera at the last rose ceremony? Or did she just get really trashed from too many appletinis and fall down the stairs? Well, actually, no. It was none of those things because Michelle actually has no idea how she got a black eye. She "just woke up with it!" The lady who looks like the mom from Gilmore Girls was all suspicious about it, implying that Michelle gave herself the black eye for attention. Michelle really helped her case by giving everyone death stares while she sat on the couch and iced her poor eye:
Then, when she tired of doing that, she decided to make sure that everyone knew she still had a black eye:
"I have a black eye!"
She even pointed to it repeatedly just so there was no confusion about what she had or where she had it. She had an especially rough morning because not only did she wake up with a black eye, but the first one-on-one date went to her arch-nemesis, SAD DIVORCED CAT LADY. She was pissed the fuck off!
Brad arrived at Bachelormanse to pick up his date with a pretty sweet ride, a great big helicopter! He whisked his date off to Catalina Island for some FUN FUN FUN!!!
Look how much fun they're having! And sad divorced cat lady (a.k.a. Chantal O.) even seems to have toned it down a little with the blush for this date! Just when you thought this date couldn't get any more perfect, SURPRISE!!! It did!!! Because nothing screams ROMANCE like suckin' face at the bottom of the ocean while wearing bizarre breathing apparatuses!
This date was extra special because it allowed Chantal to get over her fear of going in deep water with hunky Brad at her side to comfort her. Even though most of his dates consist of putting the woman in a situation where she is terribly afraid and uncomfortable, he felt a really special connection on this one! So much so, in fact, that after these two de-suited, they retreated into a beachfront love tent and sucked even more face!
You know you're in for a serious make out sesh when ABC forgoes their usual millions of candles per frame for some tasteful tiki torches! But this, like all good things, must end because it was time for Brad's group date!
Brad took the ladies to go be on Loveline with Dr. Drew and whoever his co-host is. We learned a lot of things about Brad and the ladies, like how Stacey the Bartender cheated on her college boyfriend and how Ashley the Dentist can feel herself "retracting" from Brad. Then, Brad took the ladies back to his place for a pool party, where he and Britt the Foodcritic sucked face:
But, like many of the other ladies on the show, Britt likes to wear distractingly large pieces of jewelry, so while they were sucking face, all I could focus on were those giant heart earrings she probably got at Forever 21. Meanwhile, Ashley the Five-headed Dentist started freaking out in the hottub about the state of her and Brad's union. In fact, it made her so upset that not even all her brushing and flossing and flouride-guzzling could cover up her dirty dirty mouth! That was a job better left to ABC's censors:
So then, after declaring that she was "_______ tired of this _______," she decided to go awkwardly stand behind Britt and Brad like a creepy stalker lady:
So Brad had to try and reassure her once again and make her feel less like she is "retracting," which seems painful.
The next morning, the Bachelormanse was all atwitter as the ladies discussed Ashley's meltdown and Michelle rejoiced that her one-on-one date with Brad was finally at hand. Speaking of hands, Michelle figured the best way to get ready for her date would be to sit in the kitchen and paint her nails while scowling at every mention of Ashley.
"LEAVE ME ALONE I'M DOING MY GODDAMN NAILS"
Her attempts to escape having to care about Ashley's plight were thwarted though, as Brad arrived to pick her up for her date and insisted on first having a short powwow with Ashley to make sure she was okay. MICHELLE DID NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL. How dare Ashley cut into her time with her future husband! The nerve! And then, while Brad was out chatting with Ashley, Chantal had the gall to call Michelle out for being even more attention-seeking than Ashley. A bitter verbal duel ensued, which Michelle clearly won by sitting there "looking like she wanted to kill someone." But she didn't really want to kill anyone--she just wanted to elbow a certain sad divorced cat owner in her sad divorced cat owner face:
"I WILL ELBOW HER IN THE FACE"
Luckily Brad returned and shepherded Michelle off to his house, where they awaited the arrival of....ANOTHER HELICOPTER!
They alighted atop a skyscraper, where Brad revealed that they would be repelling down the side of said skyscraper because Michelle has a thing where she is terrified of heights and that is just how he rolls. Even though Michelle was crying the realest tears we've seen yet as she backed over the side of the building, Brad is such a comforting, reassuring presence, that halfway down the building she was laughing like a giddy little schoolgirl. Which meant it was make-out time!
Yup! Not only did Brad suck face with Chantal deep under the sea, he also sucked face with her bitter enemy on the side of a skyscraper! He should be a competitive XTREME FACE SUCKER!
It was almost time to send some ladies home, so Brad asked his therapist (who is definitely a different dude than the therapist he had in the first episode) to give him some advice.
See, Brad feels a little bad about being so good at suckin' all that face. He feels like maybe it's wrong to make out with three or four different women in the course of one day. But you know what? He's wrong! Because his therapist said so! His advice to Brad was basically like, "Chill, dude! When in your life are you ever gonna get to hook up with this many different ladies who aren't even allowed to get mad at you for it?! Fuckin' enjoy yourself and shit!"
Anyway, Brad ended up sending home the Gilmore Girls lady, Stacey the Two-Timing Bartender, and Lindsay, the first grade teacher with the big nose who we really didn't see much of.
It looks like next week Brad continues his theme of placing women into scary, uncomfortable situations, because he has the presence of mind to take sweet sweet Emily to a NASCAR event, even though her baby daddy died on the way to a car race:
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