More than You Could Ever Possibly Want to Know About Puppy Bowl VII

Every January, right when my seasonal affective disorder is just about to peak with a good three days of not leaving the house and eating exclusively ramen noodles in between episodes of sobbing in the bathtub, something miraculous happens! What is this miraculous happening, you ask? Well cool your goshdarn jets, Jetboys and Jetgirls because I am about to tell you!

It's because every January the MUTHERFUCKING PUPPY BOWL STARTING LINEUP is announced!!! Do you understand how much cuteness we are talking about here? A SHIT TON of cuteness, that's how much! And by the looks of it, this year's puppies are no exception!

There are so many questions we have to ask ourselves!  Will there be another blimp piloted by hamsters this year?  Will any of the puppies be disqualified for steroid use and/or blood doping?  And more importantly, where can I find nudie pics of the rabbit cheerleaders?  I don't know the answers to any of those things, but let me tell you what I do know!

PHOTOZ of all the puppies, my PLAYER-BY-PLAYER GAME DAY PROJECTIONS, talk of the oft-overlooked KITTEH HALF TIME SHOW, and SO MUCH MORE after the jump!

So my first observation about this year's Puppy Bowl is that it looks like an older gay dude was in charge of writing all of the fun facts about this year's players. Because we not only have a puppy called Big Red who “loves the Golden Girls,” but also a presumably male puppy named Max who “loves show tunes.” And don't even get me started on 18-week-old Amy, who just “loves a good facial!”

Well, actually, LET'S DO get me started on Amy because alphabetically, she dominates the other players!

Amy, 18 weeks, golden retriever/corgi mix

“loves a good facial”

At 18 weeks, Amy is the oldest player.  I would make some sort of Brett Favre related joke, because from what I have gathered by going to sports bars people like to say how he's too old to play football all the time, but since Puppy Bowl is the only official sport that I watch, I really wouldn't know.  Anyway, I think Amy will be an alright player, but given her slightly confused look, I predict that she is the puppy most likely to drop the ball into the water bowl and not be able to figure out how to get it out.

Big Red, 13 weeks, shepherd mix

“loves the Golden Girls”

Now I don't conclusively know if Big Red is a little boy dog or a little girl dog, but she is up for adoption from an organization called "Butch's Place," so let's just say that she's a big girl doggie who maybe spends her weekends picking up more femme girl doggies at her local lesbian biker bar.  I think Big Red is definitely in the running for this year's MVP, but I worry that she might get called out for Unnecessary Ruff-Ruff-Ruffness one too many times.  

Booda, 15 weeks, pug mix

“meditates regularly”

Meet Booda.  According to Booda's fun fact, that faraway look in his eyes doesn't mean that he is operating at a lower level of intelligence than most of the dogs on the field, but rather that he is on another astral plane made out of fire hydrants and Milkbones.  In other words, SO NOT A CONTENDER for MVP.  Sorry, Booda, you seem like a gentle, if wayward little creature, but you do not have the makings of a Puppy Bowl champ.

Brownie Sundae, 10 weeks, cocker spaniel mix

“spelling bee champ”

Brownie Sundae sounds like the name of the heroine of a Blaxploitation crime movie, so I'm liking this little pup's odds.  Though I'm not sure what her revenge angle will be, unless some of the other puppies gun down her boyfriend in a drug deal gone bad, there is no doubt that Brownie Sundae is a whole lotta woman.  I am expecting some good things from this doggie, and hoping that the people at Animal Planet will have the good sense to replace their standard smooth jazz fare with a heavy funk soundtrack for this year's game.

Calvin, 15 weeks, border terrier mix

“is a member of Oprah's book club”

Are you shitting me, Animal Planet?  Member of Oprah's book club" my ass!  Calvin, here, looks like the only interest he has in Oprah's book club selections is ripping the pages out and tearing them apart while his owner is at work.  And not because he has separation anxiety, no sir!  Because he is the FUCKING DEVIL INCARNATE!  Look deep into his eyes and tell me they don't just make you want to drug his food, VERY CAREFULLY wrap him in a sleeping bag, put him in the trunk of your car, and then abandon him by the overpass?  Kidding, of course (in no way does this blog endorse animal abandonment, blah blah blah), but Calvin definitely seems like somebody the ref should keep a very close eye on. 

CB, 16 weeks, shih tzu/beagle mix

“loves the Sunday crossword puzzle”

OH MY GAWD OH MY GAWD ISN'T THIS DOG JUST THE CUTEST THING???!!!  It looks like a sculpture of a cute dog it's so perfectly cute!  And he does crossword puzzles!  I MUST HAVE HIM!!! I MUST HAVE CB!!! 

Charlie, 14 weeks, yorkshire terrier mix

“prefers the bedhead look”

Charlie might look like he's too little to play in Puppy Bowl, but he also looks like he's scrappy.  My money's on Charlie to score some puppy touchdowns through a mix of street smarts and agility.  He also looks like the kinda puppy who don't give a fuck, so I'm gonna predict that he will also get quite a few penalties for relieving himself on the field.

Chih, 11 weeks, shih tzu

“has a twin brother”

Wait, so there's more than one of this thing?  It looks a little bit like an Ewok, which I guess is cute, but really, Katzenwoofers Pet Rescue, you can keep little Chih, because he looks like a breeding ground for drool and eye boogers rather than a viable Puppy Bowl player!  I predict that Chih will fall asleep on the field almost immediately after gameplay has begun and a substitution will be called in.

Duncan, 16 weeks, golden retriever/bulldog mix

“kitten bodyguard”

I'm liking this Duncan character.  He seems laid back enough to really have some perspective and insight about a game like Puppy Bowl, but he also has the body of a little athlete.  Friend to man, friend to kitten!  Duncan's just swell!  I gotta say, I am glad that the kittens are in such good paws!

Jack, 12 weeks, lab mix

“deals cards at a casino”

Alright, now I don't usually like to jump to conclusions about the puppies before game day, but little Jack looks like he probably should not have been taken off his puppy Prozac.  Also, "12 weeks" old?  I'm not buying it.  Jack looks like he has more anxiety about making his child support payments on time than he does about potty training.  Who knows though, maybe he will set up a little illegal cards operation behind the bleachers and Animal Planet will pick him up for a poker spin off called World Puppy Tour or Puppy After Dark or Celebrity Puppy Showdown.

Jessie, 13 weeks, shepherd mix

“is a double dutch champ”

Jessie is also lookin' a little shell-shocked to be honest with you.  Maybe Puppy Bowl will be good for her self-esteem issues.  Maybe Puppy Bowl will help her make some new friends.  Maybe Jessie will even score a touchdown at Puppy Bowl.  But if we're being real, I don't think any of that is true because Jessie looks like the type of puppy who has been home-schooled for just one year too many to have any hope of normal inter-puppy-personal skillz.  

Koda, 16 weeks, siberian husky

“favorite holiday: columbus day”

Never mind the fact that Koda comes to us from a place called "Happy Endings Dog Shelter," for a moment, because there are more pressing issues at hand:  I saw Koda reading a book last week that had a hammer and sickle on the cover!  And Koda's neighbor said that twice last month, she observed other puppies going to Koda's house late at night for secret meetings!  He is a SIBERIAN husky, people!  And liking Columbus Day?  That's just a cover for this pinko's loyalty to the party!  Koda should absolutely not be allowed to participate in an activity as American as Puppy Bowl!  I demand he be barklisted from the American canine football industry FOREVER!  

Lindy, 14 weeks, brittany spaniel/schnauzer mix

“travels in a private jet”

Miss Lindy looks like she might be a little too much of a pretty girl to participate in something as RUFF N' TUMBLE as Puppy Bowl, but the fact that she is already travelling in a private jet bodes well for her ability to fit in with the persona of a Puppy Bowl celebrity athlete.  Lindy just needs to go out there on game day and really back up that all-star attitude with some inspired gameplay, then embroil herself in some hotel-room-based sex scandals to seal in her newfound fame.  And can somebody invent a goddamn doggie sports drink already so that Lindy can have some more viable endorsement opportunities, please!?

Little Red, 16 weeks, shih tzu/beagle mix

“has a culinary degree”

Meh.  Color me unimpressed, Animal Planet!

Louise, 11 weeks, rat terrier/lab/hound mix

“speaks 3 languages”

Oh, Louise!  What can you say about Louise?!  I mean, she's just SO LOUISE!  Her and her speaking three languages, and her delightfully outré dinner parties, and her subscription to the New Yorker!  If I didn't know any better I'd say some execs. at Animal Planet are having a hearty little chuckle about this one over a nice three martini lunch!  But I do know better, so I won't point out how ill-suited Louise is for Puppy Bowl.

Mae, 9 weeks, great pyrenees/newfoundland mix

“collects designer purses”

Don't underestimate Mae just because she has a weakness for for handbags that cost as much as a week-long vacation to Hawaii, because this big lady's got a lot of heart.  She may be one of the youngest competitors, but I have it on good authority that she is also one of the fiercest (seriously tho--GOOD AUTHORITY--might wanna take this into consideration at the sports book on game day, just sayin').  Maybe it's because she fills up all those purses with cans of Whoop Ass and trophies pieced together from the fur and blood of her fallen adversaries.

Maddie, 14 weeks, Yorkshire terrier mix

“owns a pottery wheel”

It sounds like it could be a volatile combination in this year's game to have not one, but two Yorkie mixes competing on the field of glory (see Charlie, above).  I predict that Maddie and Charlie will either band together to form a YORKIE DUO OF DESTRUCTION, the likes of which has not been seen since the GREAT PUPPY BOWL OF 1927, else they will be bitter enemies who will tear each other to shreds!  I'm gunning for the former.

Max, 10 weeks, lab/spaniel mix

“loves show tunes”

Maybe Max is like the dude from Judas Priest, and he can be gay AND awesome at playing some fucking ROCK AND ROLL (or in this case, FOOTBALL), but his earnest love of the Fiddler on the Roof soundtrack and the dance routine he choreographed for himself to the A Star is Born soundtrack tell me otherwise.  Also, those ears!  I'm sorry, but Max does not look very aerodynamic, and he's not big enough to just barrel his way on through his much bigger and badder competition.

Molly, 11 weeks, boxer mix

“plays the harmonica”

Another one of my favorites for this year's MVP title, is 11 week old Molly.  If this were a beauty pageant, Molly would easily be voted Miss Congeniality, but this ain't no goddamn beauty pageant, THIS IS PUPPY BOWL GODDAMNIT!!!  See, Molly looks like a real morale booster, what with her harmonica playing and her soft-shoe routine.  AND she's a capable player with an extensive 11-week history of solid performances supporting her teammates.  Molly's real fault is that she's TOO MUCH of a team player!  She just needs to step into the spotlight a little bit and let herself shine like the Puppy Bowl champ we know she can be!

Oliver, 9 weeks, great pyrenees

“is a movie buff”

Umm so someone should really tell Oliver that he got on the wrong bus, because this is NOT the Puppy Special Olympics this is PUPPY BOWL!!!  No offense, Oliver, but paraplegic puppies usually are not top performers in sports like puppy football or even puppy ice dancing.  And if by "movie buff," you mean that you blankly watch children's cartoons over and over again at your assisted living facility while a little puddle of froth is fed by a constant waterfall of drool issuing from the corner of your snout, then, yes, absolutely Oliver, you are a total movie buff!!!

As you can see, there is great diversity amongst this year's contenders for Most Valuable Puppy.  While many of them seem like worthy opponents, only one puppy can take home the fame and glory of the MVP title.  We are all waiting anxiously to find out which puppy it will be, I'm sure, but I know what's really at the forefront of your mind: THE BISSELL KITTEH HALF TIME SHOW!!!  As usual, detail about this year's kitty half time show are closely guarded trade secrets, shrouded in mystery and stored in hardcopy form in a vault deep below the surface of Animal Planet's secret volcanic island headquarters somewhere off the coast of Australia (which may or may not have time travel capabilities and peculiar magnetic powers associated with the number sequence, "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42").  Therefore, all I can do is leave you with this video of last year's Kitty Half time show, which was pure HEAVEN from start to finish: