Alright I'm just gonna dive right in to this one because we have a lot to cover!
We kicked things off this week by seeing two very different sides of Brad. First, we got to see the Brad that every woman in America is familiar with and is gradually learning to trust again; the all American, blond haired, blue eyed hunk whose very silhouette is a guaranteed panty-dropper:
Yup, he totally has the pigskin in hand and everything! And he's ready to score a touchdown with your hearts, ladies!
Or is he? Just when you thought it was okay to start trusting Mr. Womack again and stop sending ABC angry emails about how they shouldn't have given him a second chance, a very funny thing happens...You see, Brad's first date of the night is with Ashley H., a nice dentist with a very small waistline and a very big forehead. So naturally, Brad's first move is to drive her to a secluded location in the middle of the woods at night...
“This is just like a horror movie!” she jokes, flashing her big bleach-white smile. She giggles and plays with her hair, idly wondering if she overdid it a little with the Chanel Chance. “Yes,” Brad replies, “just like a horror movie...”
Brad laughs too. He drives further into the woods. A few moments of silence pass between them, when Ashley notices that Brad's hands are gripping the wheel with so much tension that the color is beginning to fade from his knuckles. “Seriously, Brad,” she asks, “where are you taking me?” He doesn't respond, but slowly eases the car to a stop. He turns off the ignition. His hand still grasping the keys, he turns to Ashley and stares deep into her eyes. “There isn't anyone around for miles,” Brad says. Ashley chuckles nervously, her eyes wide with something verging on fear. “Get out of the car,” commands Brad. Keeping her eyes trained on him, she unbuckles her seat belt and slowly backs out of the car. Brad gets out too and approaches her, the strange glint in his eye illuminated by the full moon. When he is a few paces from her, the car's headlights turn off automatically. Brad ritualistically murders her and dismembers the body. Brad leads her to a surprise carnival that magically lights up!
And oh man do they have fun! They go on the rides, they eat a fuckload of cotton candy, and they get their picture taken in a photobooth!
They both agree that it is the best date ever! Then, they sit down to have a nice meal and talk about their feelings because don't you know it, after all the fun and games, it's time to talk about daddy issues! They have a very deep conversation. It is very meaningful. Important shit is said. Unfortunately though, Ashley is wearing a huge ass cocktail ring that she keeps making weird gestures with the entire time. Like most women, I get easily distracted by shiny objects, so basically I couldn't tell you what any of those deep meaningful things were if you paid me.
Sidenote--Brad also went on a one-on-one date this week with Jaquie, who claims to be an artist. It was excruciatingly boring; they went to the Hollywood Bowl and some band called Train played a private concert for them. From what I could gather Train is the type of band that normal people in their 30s who don't really care that much about music listen to when they are doing things like organizing their garage.
Then it was time for Brad to go on a massive group date and film a bunch of telenovela inspired PSAs with the girls to promote giving blood or not getting AIDS or something. Some of the girls got costumes that they were not very happy about:
Others, however, were perfectly suited to their assigned outfits:
Yup, so they gave Madison, Queen of the Damned a weird PVC dominatrix costume. She had to tell Brad to “LICK MY BOOTS!” And she seemed more than happy to do so.
A couple of ladies were more ambivalent about their costumes because they had bigger fish to fry with the whole group date scenario. Like Michelle. I don't know if you knew this, but today is her 30th birthday. It's okay though if you didn't know, because Michelle will make sure that now that you do know, you won't forget it, because the woman repeated the fact that it was indeed her birthday about 5 MILLION TIMES. She even walked off set at one point because she wasn't getting enough special birthday girl attention from Brad. In addition to letting people know that it is her birthday, Michelle's talents include her wide range of facial expressions. See, Michelle can go from vaguely pissed...
to totally fucking disgusted...
to self-pitying...
and right back to vaguely pissed in 60 seconds flat!
But whatever this gal is doing seems to have confused Brad into keeping her around for another week because that fool gave her a rose. Even though she is clearly one of the most psychotic contestants on the show, Michelle knows how to use it to her advantage, which is more than you can say for some of the other ladies.
Like Melissa. Poor, poor, confused Melissa. This lady just does not know how to keep all of her crazy under wraps. She is bursting at the seems with crazy!
And I'm sorry but what is the deal with those eyebrows? Anyway, this week, after her bizarre hormonal episode wherein she leapt on top of Brad in the middle of his scene with two of the other girls and proceeded to rape kiss him, RAICHEL THE MANSCAPER had a bone to pick with Melissa. Those two were going at it like junkyard dogs fighting over a drumstick. Some not very nice words were thrown around when Melissa called Raichel “poisonous” (shocking, I know!) and Raichel called Melissa “toxic” (can you believe her?!). In between all of the appallingly offensive name calling Melissa also found the time to cry her little eyes out, repeatedly and to anyone who would listen, which I have to say was not a very good look for her.
Neither of these ladies had the good sense to follow Michelle's lead and use their stupid self-created drama to their advantage. Instead, Melissa was dumb enough to go crying to Brad the first chance she got. At first Brad looked sympathetic, like he was actually maybe listening to bits and pieces of what she was saying. But then the crazy took hold of her and she got distracted and started prattling on about how she had onion breath from the 4 slices of pizza she downed with her 80 pound body. And any semblance of giving a shit suddenly left Brad's demeanor as he began scanning the horizon for a way out of the conversation. Needless to say, Melissa did not get a rose, but she did manage to drag RAICHEL THE MANSCAPER down with her.
Then came the saddest moment of the evening. Wacky ol' Keltie or whatever her name is also got the axe. She was weirdly self-loathing and desperate sounding about the whole thing in a way that made me sad and uncomfortable, which are two things that I find unacceptable from reality TV, which is supposed to make me laugh and feel superior. Basically, she made this face (which is awesome when evaluated on its own merits):
Then she declared that she is the worst dater ever because she is so awkward that she should probably just go drown herself in a well somewhere because she is destined to be alone forever and this was her very last attempt at dating anyone ever. Then she cried a whole bunch. Way to bring the mood down, Keltie.
I would post the clip for next week, but it mostly just looks like Michelle continues her reign of terror, Emily tells everyone her sob story about the plane crash, and one of the ladies wants to go home.
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