Baby Workers

So all of this hoopla over the newest fad parenting book (you can read all about it here; it's called "Tiger Mommies" or something dumb like that) got me thinking about what I would do if I had a baby.  Obviously, if I was gonna have a baby, my first reaction would be to grab a coat hanger and get to work.  But let's just say for the sake of argument that I was out of coat hangers that day and I was tasked with having to figure out my personal parenting philosophy.  Well, this Amy Chua lady wrote this book to share her experiences growing up with a strict traditional Chinese mother, who I guess was sort of like the mom in Black Swan except with piano instead of ballet.  I think her point is like, "Hey, look at me, I went to Harvard and shit and now I teach at Yale, so my mammy musta done something right."  Anyway, I agree with this parenting strategy in as much as moms should totally be pushy bitches to their kids, but I think this lady's book probably doesn't go far enough (wouldn't know; didn't read it; not planning to read it).  Effective parenting should start early and take advantage of the character-building effects of hard work.  What I'm getting at here is that babies should join the workforce.  See, look how much more useful potentially successful in life this baby looks...

than, say, this baby...

This baby needs to get off her ass and stop fucking around.  I don't care that you haven't learned how to control your own bowel movements yet--GET A JOB LOSER!

There are lots of jobs for which babies are perfectly well suited.  Bummed about how steep airfares have gotten?  Don't feel like getting your junk touched by those TSA cretins?  Not a problem!  Just hire a baby pilot to fly you around in a tiny charter plane!  Your captain has just turned on the AWESOME sign and you are free to move about the cabin!

 And while we are on the subject of babies flying things, why stop at airplanes?  A lot of little kids dream of being astronauts when they grow up--why not make those dreams come true before your baby gradually grows into an unexceptional adult who has given up their space dreams to work at a used car dealership?  And since most babies are almost as smart as all monkeys, we can rest assured that babies would be a perfect choice to man spacecraft!

And if you're the patriotic type...or you just really don't like your baby that much...why not send them off to war!?  Babies make fantastic soldiers!  And they don't eat as much as regular soldiers!  Just give this baby a can of applesauce, a juice box, and a couple of smokes and he's ready to go kill him some Nazis!

Some people don't want their babies on the front lines.  I totally get that.  I do.  That's why there's also professions for the gentler babies among us.  Perhaps your baby has a spiritual bent?  Is your baby given to a life of contemplation and chastity?  Everybody loves a baby priest!

Not Catholic?  No problem!  Because DUH, OF COURSE YOUR BABY CAN BE A RABBI!  Since he's probably fresh off his bris anyway, your baby already has some professional experience!

And if your baby is a good for nothing layabout who just refuses to work, keep in mind that in addition to workers, babies can also be food:

Was this post mostly just an excuse to post pictures of babies in costumes?  Maybe.  But next time you see a baby on the street, hopped up on dope and half-crazed from exposure, maybe you won't feel so bad yelling at him to get a job when he hassles you for money.  I know I wont!