OH MY GAWD! So I don't really know what the vapors are, but this week's episode made me feel like I was definitely going to catch them, because let me just tell you, it was RIVETING. This is the stuff that EMMYS are made out of, people!
I know, I know, things started off slow with a great big dollop of ADULT CONTEMPORARY ONE-ON-ONE DATING. Brad took Ashley, who looks like she is about 16 at all times to Capitol Records, where they recorded their own glass-shattering version of Seal's “Kiss by a Rose” or whatever it's called. You know? The one about necrophilia roses and graves and kissing things! But that's not all they did! No, sir! Seal actually performed it for them! It was so exciting that I got up and made some egg salad and wondered if Heidi Klum ever gets sick of hearing that song since it's basically been his one and only hit for about fifteen years now. But Seal is okay by Ashley because that is her FAVORITE SONG EVER because it reminds her of her dad who died! And you know how Brad feels about ladies with daddy issues—they are AWESOME and they automatically get roses! I won't even bore you with a picture of this date—that's how boring it was.
Thank god the next date was more ACTION PACKED! Because not only did Brad get into a crazy street brawl with a bunch of Mexicans...
…and fulfill his long-standing BDSM fantasies...
...all in the course of one amazing group date! It was so good that somebody decided to turn the footage of these actual, not staged, totally real things that happened into an ACTION MOOOOVIE!
Ok, so maybe that was the reason he did all that crazy stuff in the first place, but still, ACTION PACKED, I say! HERE HERE, BACHELOR, HERE HERE!!!
Then it was time for everyone to cry, because apparently these ladies are already all synced up and Week 3 of the Bachelor is also that time of the month. It started out innocently enough; while some of the other girls were on their group date with Brad, sweet sweet southern Emily with her sweet sweet southern drawl and the scorned few who did not get a date card were chillin' back at the Bachelormanse enjoying a little red wine. That's when she decides to tell these other ladies her sob story about her baby-daddy getting killed in that darn plane crash. And sob they do! Get a little vino in these ladies and tell them a story about a tragic accident and you have yourself a SOB CITY, population: estrogen!
First Jackie the sensitive artiste started crying, because she is an artiste and as such is very sensitive and given to crying:
Then the chick who looks like the mom from Gilmore Girls started in with the weepies:
Then, our favorite undead lady, VAMPYR GYRL, started getting all emotional about it too:
In fact, VAMPYR GYRL really took this one to heart, or maybe the other ladies have just been hiding garlic cloves around the house to weaken her VAMPYR constitution, because this lady totally lost it over Emily's sob story and ended up leaving the Bachelormanse because she was just SOOOO UPSET that some of the other ladies had more on the line than blood-lust and I guess she felt like she wasn't THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. She even took her FANGZ out when she told Brad she wanted to go home! That's how serious she was!
OK, and I know you won't believe me, but EVEN MICHELLE CRIED!
It's nothing to lose sleep over though, because she wasn't actually crying about Emily's sob story at all. She was just so mad that she didn't get a one-on-one date with Brad that she burst into tears.
In fact, Michelle had A LOT of facial expressions this week. She was pissed about A LOT of things. First of all, when it was revealed she had to go on an odious group date with OTHER LADIES she was all like, “WTF YOU HOS?!”
So she decided to go pout about it for a while in the swimming pool:
She began plotting what devious measures she could employ to make her trademark overly dramatic impression on Brad during the date. This usually involves her intruding on his deep conversation with one of the other women, so that right as said woman has just launched into telling Brad about her daddy issues, Michelle swoops in and demands that she steal him away for a moment. This is the face she makes when she is calculating her plan for Bachelor domination and also when she is perplexed about a cold sore:
Because as she likes to point out in the confessional, with teeth bared like a POWER COUGAR, “Step off bitches, HE'S MINE!”
And then she literally hid behind her hair when Brad made out with one of the Chantelles/Shawntelles while filming an action scene, because it was just TOO HORRIBLE to watch:
But then, as he was talking to one of the ladies later in the date, she had a total SWIMFAN moment and showed up at the glass door and stood there for a while, coldly observing her prey with her cold dead eyes before leaping in for the pounce:
It seemed to work out pretty well though, because before you could say HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, Brad and Michelle were suckin' face like a pair of high school kids under the bleachers:
But OH NOES! Brad went and sucked face with a bunch of other girls too! MICHELLE WAS NOT PLEASED. She did what any mature POWER COUGAR OF 30 would do and badgered him into explaining himself, then did the “NANANA I'M NOT LISTING” move as soon as he started talking:
She's a real charmer, that Michelle! Such maturity and grace, I have not seen on The Bachelor for too too long a time! I could just talk about how great this lady is all day, but I can't, because dammnit there was MORE CRYING, people!
See, Brad also had a special connection with one of our other favorite ladies this week, SAD DIVORCED CAT LADY. Remember her? The one who was so sad about not being married that she couldn't eat her damn salad? Well she cried too, because SURPRISE! SHE ALSO HAS DADDY ISSUES!
To be honest, she probably just really misses her cats!
Not to be outdone by sad divorced cat lady, WONKY EYED SARAH also got all sobby wobby, but for a totally different reason. Namely, that she did not get a rose and had to leave Bachelormanse FOREVER:
Them's some raccoon eyes, gurl!
The other lady who got kicked off, whose name I don't remember or care about, had a decidedly different attitude about Brad axing her from the competition for his heart. Namely, “FUCK YOU, BRAD!”
Can you believe her? She actually said that! That is a direct quote!! I mean, NOBODY TALKS TO MY BRAD LIKE THAT! NOT NOBODY! Them's fightin' words!
Which brings me to the most awesome part about this week's episode; scenes from next week's episode! Wanna know why?
BECAUSE MICHELLE GETS PUNCHED IN THE GODDAMN FACE!
I will be waiting for next Monday night with an intravenous popcorn drip and my fingers on the screen capture triggers at all times, ladies and gents, because this one looks like The Bachelor episode to end all Bachelor episodes!
PREVIEW of EPISODE 4:
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