Genuine Ken, Episodes 1 & 2: "Color Me KEN-fused"

WARNING: Even a few seconds of exposure to this show can cause serious brain damage, especially in people.

If you thought you'd seen the worst of the worst in reality programming years ago, when Temptation Island still crowded the airwaves, think again!  May I present for your consideration, GENUINE KEN: The Search for the Great American Boyfriend?

Now, I'm not exactly clear on what the point of this show is, because at no time in the first two episodes did they ever mention any sort of prize awaiting the ultimate winner.  In fact, everything about this show makes me think that they had a budget of about $10,000 for the entire season.  First, there's the limited number of contestants:

One of these eight guys is supposed to earn the title of "Genuine Ken, the Great American Boyfriend."  Since there doesn't seem to be any sort of prize involved, I can only assume that these men are competing just for the honor that comes with such a title.  Because what straight twenty-something year old guy isn't into plastic fashion dolls?!  The other fishy thing about this show is that aside from their names and hometowns, none of the guys have professions attached to them, which makes me think that they are all aspiring actors whose agents managed to get them on this show for mere peanuts.  

The Bachelor, Week 4: "X-TREME Face Suckage"

Oh, the things that happened this week on the Bachelor! Not only were there TWO dates involving helicopters, but there was also a whole lotta tonsil hockey, some roses, and enough tears to quench the thirst of a thousand desert nomads!

But, be still my beating heart, for there was one moment in particular that contained so much raw sexuality, such visceral masculinity, and such tantalizing appeal that nary a dry lady panty was to be seen this week! Ladies of America, listen up! I just don't know if you're ready to handle this screen capture, but I'm gonna put it out there anyway. I warn you, this kind of potent masturbatory fodder is not for the faint of heart....In fact, it's so steamy that discretion requires I put it after the jump....

MONO UPDATE

So I am pretty much feeling a lot better and not sleeping for 16 hours a day anymore (yay!).  However, for the purposes of this blog, I vow to continue to have mono indefinitely.

More than You Could Ever Possibly Want to Know About Puppy Bowl VII

Every January, right when my seasonal affective disorder is just about to peak with a good three days of not leaving the house and eating exclusively ramen noodles in between episodes of sobbing in the bathtub, something miraculous happens! What is this miraculous happening, you ask? Well cool your goshdarn jets, Jetboys and Jetgirls because I am about to tell you!

It's because every January the MUTHERFUCKING PUPPY BOWL STARTING LINEUP is announced!!! Do you understand how much cuteness we are talking about here? A SHIT TON of cuteness, that's how much! And by the looks of it, this year's puppies are no exception!

There are so many questions we have to ask ourselves!  Will there be another blimp piloted by hamsters this year?  Will any of the puppies be disqualified for steroid use and/or blood doping?  And more importantly, where can I find nudie pics of the rabbit cheerleaders?  I don't know the answers to any of those things, but let me tell you what I do know!

PHOTOZ of all the puppies, my PLAYER-BY-PLAYER GAME DAY PROJECTIONS, talk of the oft-overlooked KITTEH HALF TIME SHOW, and SO MUCH MORE after the jump!

The Bachelor, Week 3: "It's My Daddy Issue and I'll Cry If I Want To"

OH MY GAWD! So I don't really know what the vapors are, but this week's episode made me feel like I was definitely going to catch them, because let me just tell you, it was RIVETING. This is the stuff that EMMYS are made out of, people!

I know, I know, things started off slow with a great big dollop of ADULT CONTEMPORARY ONE-ON-ONE DATING. Brad took Ashley, who looks like she is about 16 at all times to Capitol Records, where they recorded their own glass-shattering version of Seal's “Kiss by a Rose” or whatever it's called. You know? The one about necrophilia roses and graves and kissing things! But that's not all they did! No, sir! Seal actually performed it for them! It was so exciting that I got up and made some egg salad and wondered if Heidi Klum ever gets sick of hearing that song since it's basically been his one and only hit for about fifteen years now. But Seal is okay by Ashley because that is her FAVORITE SONG EVER because it reminds her of her dad who died! And you know how Brad feels about ladies with daddy issues—they are AWESOME and they automatically get roses! I won't even bore you with a picture of this date—that's how boring it was.

Thank god the next date was more ACTION PACKED! Because not only did Brad get into a crazy street brawl with a bunch of Mexicans...

Baby Workers

So all of this hoopla over the newest fad parenting book (you can read all about it here; it's called "Tiger Mommies" or something dumb like that) got me thinking about what I would do if I had a baby.  Obviously, if I was gonna have a baby, my first reaction would be to grab a coat hanger and get to work.  But let's just say for the sake of argument that I was out of coat hangers that day and I was tasked with having to figure out my personal parenting philosophy.  Well, this Amy Chua lady wrote this book to share her experiences growing up with a strict traditional Chinese mother, who I guess was sort of like the mom in Black Swan except with piano instead of ballet.  I think her point is like, "Hey, look at me, I went to Harvard and shit and now I teach at Yale, so my mammy musta done something right."  Anyway, I agree with this parenting strategy in as much as moms should totally be pushy bitches to their kids, but I think this lady's book probably doesn't go far enough (wouldn't know; didn't read it; not planning to read it).  Effective parenting should start early and take advantage of the character-building effects of hard work.  What I'm getting at here is that babies should join the workforce.  See, look how much more useful potentially successful in life this baby looks...

than, say, this baby...

This baby needs to get off her ass and stop fucking around.  I don't care that you haven't learned how to control your own bowel movements yet--GET A JOB LOSER!

The Bachelor, Week 2: "The Wrong Side of 30"

Alright I'm just gonna dive right in to this one because we have a lot to cover!

We kicked things off this week by seeing two very different sides of Brad. First, we got to see the Brad that every woman in America is familiar with and is gradually learning to trust again; the all American, blond haired, blue eyed hunk whose very silhouette is a guaranteed panty-dropper:

Yup, he totally has the pigskin in hand and everything! And he's ready to score a touchdown with your hearts, ladies!

Or is he? Just when you thought it was okay to start trusting Mr. Womack again and stop sending ABC angry emails about how they shouldn't have given him a second chance, a very funny thing happens...You see, Brad's first date of the night is with Ashley H., a nice dentist with a very small waistline and a very big forehead. So naturally, Brad's first move is to drive her to a secluded location in the middle of the woods at night...