WINNER: Best Cat Funeral

Went to the bookstore the other day and wouldn'tcha know it, but this caught my eye:

It's Thomasina!!! THE BOOK!!!  Understand that while I was recovering from kidney surgery at the wee age of six, I was FREAKING OBSESSED with the movie version, which came out in 1964 and my parents for some reason had a VHS copy of.  I would lie there, pretty much bedridden, and watch this shit OVER AND OVER again, occasionally switching it out for The Last Unicorn or Flower Drum Song.  The book is much more grown up and sinister than the movie, but as I read it I have been reminded of how fucking weird and surreal the movie was, so light one up and watch these clips if you truly want to know WHAT CAT HEAVEN IZ LIKE.  DISCLAIMER:  IT INVOLVES AN ANCIENT EGYPTIAN FELINE CULT AND CHILDREN PLAYING BAGPIPES....watch it if you dare!!!!

Fun, Romance, and Healthy Gums

I know, I KNOW--I let you all down just when things started to get steamy on The Bachelor.  And doubtless, you have also sorely missed my hard-hitting journalism about baby workers and Puppy Bowl. I can explain!  See, law school got tough and my internet situation was all fucked up for a while.  But I know how important my musings on reality trash are to us all, so, for the sake of MONOPARTY, I have gotten a reliable internet connection and dropped out of law school.  You can expect to be seeing a lot more of me ladies and gents!  (by that I mean that I am also launching a soft-core webcam site...)

Anywho, we all know by now that Brad Womack did what everyone expected and picked sweet, blonde Emily, the single mammy with a tragic backstory that provided endless possibilities for the emotionally insensitive producers that made her go on several traumatic dates.  OLD NEWZ!!!!  No one cares, Brad and Emily, because the newest Bachelorette has been revealed!!!  Click through to find out who the lucky lady is!!!!

The Bachelor, Week 5: "Two Girls One Cu......ROSE"

Alright kids, I know I'm about a week late with this one, but I don't think anyone who reads this blog actually watches the Bachelor anyway and the internet I had been stealing has been pretty much non-existent for the last week or so. I downloaded the last two episodes on iTunes, but apparently they don't let you take screenshots of something that you just paid $2 an episode for. FUCK YOU ITUNES!!! I decided to suck it up and call Comcast to come bring me some internets, so expect a post on this week's actual episode sometime Friday night after the Comcast guy installs all my internets. Without further ado...

Pack your bags and a couple of sequined tops that tastefully reveal a little cleavage ladies because this week The Bachelor is heading to Vegas! Can you feel the excitement? Well I can because it is about as tangible as a punch in the labia! Will Brad drunkenly lose his massive bartending fortune on a single craps game? Will Michelle get so pissed at the other ladies that she says fuck it all and runs off to join a cathouse? Will the two Ashleys devise a daring casino heist using only dental tools, cocktail rings, and a combined IQ of 180 (also a combined weight of 180)? Well gosh golly let's dive in and find out!

First and foremost though, let us briefly pause and check out what hunky ol' Chris Harrison was wearing this week:

Eat your heart out Jeff Probst because hot damn, yes, THOSE ARE ROLL-UP CONTRAST FASHION CUFFS! Chris may be a big picture man with dreamy eyes and a sensitive soul, but he is also a man that knows better than to neglect the details.

Genuine Ken, Episodes 1 & 2: "Color Me KEN-fused"

WARNING: Even a few seconds of exposure to this show can cause serious brain damage, especially in people.

If you thought you'd seen the worst of the worst in reality programming years ago, when Temptation Island still crowded the airwaves, think again!  May I present for your consideration, GENUINE KEN: The Search for the Great American Boyfriend?

Now, I'm not exactly clear on what the point of this show is, because at no time in the first two episodes did they ever mention any sort of prize awaiting the ultimate winner.  In fact, everything about this show makes me think that they had a budget of about $10,000 for the entire season.  First, there's the limited number of contestants:

One of these eight guys is supposed to earn the title of "Genuine Ken, the Great American Boyfriend."  Since there doesn't seem to be any sort of prize involved, I can only assume that these men are competing just for the honor that comes with such a title.  Because what straight twenty-something year old guy isn't into plastic fashion dolls?!  The other fishy thing about this show is that aside from their names and hometowns, none of the guys have professions attached to them, which makes me think that they are all aspiring actors whose agents managed to get them on this show for mere peanuts.  

The Bachelor, Week 4: "X-TREME Face Suckage"

Oh, the things that happened this week on the Bachelor! Not only were there TWO dates involving helicopters, but there was also a whole lotta tonsil hockey, some roses, and enough tears to quench the thirst of a thousand desert nomads!

But, be still my beating heart, for there was one moment in particular that contained so much raw sexuality, such visceral masculinity, and such tantalizing appeal that nary a dry lady panty was to be seen this week! Ladies of America, listen up! I just don't know if you're ready to handle this screen capture, but I'm gonna put it out there anyway. I warn you, this kind of potent masturbatory fodder is not for the faint of heart....In fact, it's so steamy that discretion requires I put it after the jump....

MONO UPDATE

So I am pretty much feeling a lot better and not sleeping for 16 hours a day anymore (yay!).  However, for the purposes of this blog, I vow to continue to have mono indefinitely.

More than You Could Ever Possibly Want to Know About Puppy Bowl VII

Every January, right when my seasonal affective disorder is just about to peak with a good three days of not leaving the house and eating exclusively ramen noodles in between episodes of sobbing in the bathtub, something miraculous happens! What is this miraculous happening, you ask? Well cool your goshdarn jets, Jetboys and Jetgirls because I am about to tell you!

It's because every January the MUTHERFUCKING PUPPY BOWL STARTING LINEUP is announced!!! Do you understand how much cuteness we are talking about here? A SHIT TON of cuteness, that's how much! And by the looks of it, this year's puppies are no exception!

There are so many questions we have to ask ourselves!  Will there be another blimp piloted by hamsters this year?  Will any of the puppies be disqualified for steroid use and/or blood doping?  And more importantly, where can I find nudie pics of the rabbit cheerleaders?  I don't know the answers to any of those things, but let me tell you what I do know!

PHOTOZ of all the puppies, my PLAYER-BY-PLAYER GAME DAY PROJECTIONS, talk of the oft-overlooked KITTEH HALF TIME SHOW, and SO MUCH MORE after the jump!